HappyTart: Non-Fathers Know Best

Non-Fathers Know Best

Jun 4 2015 at 08:04pm

Father's Day is almost here and I just wanted to send a special greeting to all the members of Earth, Wind & Fire who may potentially be my father. But while I appreciate that we have two holidays to celebrate parents, I can't help but wonder...where's the love for people smart enough to avoid parenthood?

As I just said, it's great that we honor parents. I mean, after someone has ruined their life, the very least they deserve is some macaroni glued to a piece of paper from their kid and a five-dollar card with Ziggy on it from the spouse that won't be with them in three years.

There's also a certain nobility that comes along with parenthood. It doesn't matter whether or not you're a good parent. You can be the most worthless piece of shit on the planet, but as long as you have spilled your seed, you are automatically a worthwhile human being deserving of all the praise you receive and then some.

So it's not that I have a problem with parents, I simply think we neglect the people who opted not to or cannot not that route. There are many reasons people don't have children. Maybe they can't conceive. Maybe they don't want to contribute another asshole to an already overwhelming asshole population. Maybe they know they'd be bad parents. Or maybe they're just ugly people not living in the South. Whatever the reason, they're just as valuable as a couple of drunk people who hooked up in an IHOP, and it's time they got some respect.

Call this holiday whatever you wish. Remembered to Pull Out Day, Hooray for Abortion Day, Prefers Anal Day, whatever. It doesn't matter what we call it, as long as we start giving credit where credit is due.

For everything else people without children are called, maybe they're just people who understand that less is more. As in, "Less people, more happiness." I'm aware that this holiday will never happen, so this Father's Day, let's   recognize a moment of silence for the childless. Because sometimes, people that don't have kids are the best parents of all.

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