malpanda: Why I Doubt

Why I Doubt

Feb 25 2015 at 08:38pm

 Part one is that America, nowadays, feels like a worn-out car going 110 on a busy freeway, with pieces falling off and passengers screaming. I’m referring to things like the endless multifaceted culture wars, bribery and lying being seen as business-as-usual in business and politics, and the apocalyptic zeitgeist that crosses cultural divides so people who can’t agree on anything else all think the world is ending soon. Part two is, that when I try to figure out how we got that way, I keep getting told that’s just how humans act when no one's expecting any better of them.I don't really like that answer, but it seems to fit the evidence. Part three is realizing that ideology is just window dressing. The same religion can convince one man that all men are brothers, alike in dignity, and convince another man that all men are interchangeable and thus a certain percentage are expendable. The good person and the bad person have no indicating symptoms beyond the balance of the ethical choices and subsequent actions they choose to take (and they can choose to do the opposite whenever they want). This led into a crisis of faith: God is defined by His(its) morality, or not at all. We have no context, as humans, to know anything else for certain about beings at that level. Couldn’t Satan have parted the Red Sea, if it served his long term purpose? How long term might that purpose be? How can we judge a tree by its fruits when we don’t know if it happens to be winter?  Part four is that I'm unhappy with my life, but not always, and I know plenty of people have things worse than I do, so maybe I’m supposed to settle for what I can get and pretend it’s good enough? When I think about all the thousands of things I could potentially do to improve my lot or the world, I get overwhelmed by the enormity of it, and I can't gather enough gumption to do more than a few tiny extra things on any given day (beyond the various neccessities, like going to work). Of course, the days I can't pretend to settle are also the days that leave me nothing left to climb upward with. 

Part five is interpersonal problems, which I don't want to discuss in public, but suffice it to say, groups fall apart, people stop trusting each other, and no amount of peacemaking on my part can change that, so I wind up having to have boundaries with the people I used to trust with everything.  

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