Jackofallmasterofnone: The last month a long story

The last month a long story

May 27 2015 at 01:04am

The last month for me has been passably the worst month of my life. Why? Well it all started with a random depression I fell into this was abnormal yes but I could take it. I just didn't want to see to many people at once was really it 2 at most was my limit and I told my bro this but was ignored and he proceeded to invite over about 6 people that day. So I left my house for somewhere I could be alone and relax. The following days where pretty OK until my bro says he invited more people over. By people I mean friends and friends of friends who normally I would be fine with seeing but not with my depression at a all time high. I am normally a level guy nothing really phases me but something and I still couldn't tell you what got to me. So anyways after me leaving last time my bro got the hint that I was not OK in the slightest and suggested that I meet him and a good friend of ours who I'll call Tea and I would hang out with Tea for the day. Now Tea and I have a very special and strange relationship that I might talk about if this blog picks up steam all you really need to know is that I fell in love with her and it did not work out. So I do just that I fall out of bed like a formless blob and start turning back into something almost human. I make my way to where they are it's our usual meeting spot in the copply food court. And when I get there I see my bro, Tea and a what is now a formally good but also like Tea I have a wired relationship with friend hmmmmm I'll call her Hana. So I go over to where they are sitting and say my hellos to everyone and then I just kind of slump there until my bro and Hana get up to leave to the thing that my bro had set up that I honestly didn't care at the time to ask about. So there we are Tea and I sitting while she talks to me and I kind of responding. After a few minutes on that Tea asks if I was hungry and because of my depression I wasn't really hungry and haven't eaten a real meal in about 2 days at that point. I say something like "I could eat" so she says "lets go to that jap place we went to before" I say OK and we start heading there taking the subway. So I should explain that Tea tells me things that she other wise wouldn't say to other people. I ask her how she's been and the flood gates open. She tells me that shes been depressed lately and has anxiety to boot. "What a horribly wonderful coincidence we have here" I tell her about what I've been feeling and shes shocked to here me say these thing because Jack doesn't do that Jack is stronger then that. I'm paraphrasing but pretty much what she said once well Jack is human too Jack gets kicked in the balls by life to I just try not to show it often. We go back and forth talking about our problems and conclude that we are both messed up right now and table it for later. We shift the convo and start talking about here friends of witch I've never meet any of and story after story I'm chiseled away at because elements in each of them reflect my standing with her and how I ended up in our current relationship. And it hurt a lot and I mean a lot it damaged my self worth and out look just destroyed my self confidence of what little I had to begin with because of her taking most of it before. Like final destination I swear you thought you where safe? haha nope death out of left field...... Yep but I keep a strong face on and acted like nothing what bothering me. We finish up lunch and Tea say that she should get home soon because of some business she has to take care of for her mother. After much semi-argument I convince her to let me take her to her train stop but no further not for lack of trying. She started feeling weak after lunch for some reason lately she just gets nauseous. We arrive at her stop and I get off the train with her witch she is unhappy about and I walk her up the stairs witch she is also un happy about and as she starts walking towards the gate to exit she almost collapses and I rush to her and sit her on a bench nearby. That's where she says that shes been gaining weight and I say I know and she has the most puzzled look on her face and asks how I tell her that vive know her long enough that I could tell most physical things from several yards away. Then she says that shes sorry for a few things that make her wired. And I tell her "The things that make you wired are what make you you and I wouldn't want you any other way" Tea then say you know my boyfriend ....I'll Call him Track. Track said the exact same thing to me be for its almost creepy. I lean back and say " people that love you know this" Now this look she gave is what really put the nail in the coffin. I'll try to describe it the best I can......ummmmmm...... It was blank, surprised, confused and disturbed all at the same time. That on top of her stories I would have rather gotten hit by a car then have that day happen it was and still is that bad. But that's not all no no no remember Hana well we play an online game together or did and we would regularly hangout. I'll tell you I never am the person to talk to anyone I'm always the listener and I'm OK with that I'm good at it so when I do actually talk to someone there isn't a lot of people I chose from there is my bro that I mentioned earlier and Tea but my bro has his own problems right now to deal with and Tea caused it so they where out. Hana I felt was a good opiton so I asked her to hangout and got a no asked her twice to play the game and she on both occasions said no. On my third attempt I hade told her that I just wanted someone to lisson to me she didn't even have to respond if she didn't want to. So I was done with literally everything and everyone. It is literally hard for me to talk about my deeper feeling so when I got pushed aside I got hurt and upset so I told her I was done with pretty much her. Looking back I probably shouldn't have done that but what's done is done. And I haven't talked about what's been bothering me at all not to anyone. Just today I talked to Hana and our relationship is for right now unslavageable I still want to be her friend and watch out for her but she doesn't need me. Again if this blog gets going I'll talk about Hana also and our relationship. If you read this whole thing Thank you and I appreciate you taking the time to read it. This wasn't easy for me to write at all. Feed back would be cool if you want and you can be as blunt as you want it wont bother me none.



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